the desires of your heart
In the first reading, “a royal waste of time”, I found some disturbing feelings welling up. Have I been indoctrinated into believing that music really is a waste of time, icing on the cake, enjoyable but not necessary? I am trusting you, my beloved class, to not take offense, but to hear my struggle within myself. I have been afraid to be a music major because it seems self-indulgent. I have many things that I really, really enjoy, including teaching and counseling. To me, those seem so much more important to the kingdom than my love of singing. (again – these are tapes playing in my head – not what is true). So, how do I reconcile the truth that what I want is for music-time to take priority over all the other choices? That I am never more at peace with the world than when I am singing or playing? I know I don’t put in the time needed to really improve my skills, I make a hundred excuses for “more important” things. There seem to be recordings in my head always telling me to stop drawing attention to myself, stop being happy about frivolous things, and most damaging – don’t really try, because if you fail, it will be a true failure of who you are. Dang, doesn’t this get better in your forties?
Two sentences in this article have given me some relief. “We waste our time so that others in the Christian community can be more profoundly immersed in the Word, can become more deeply formed, can more thoroughly join us in praise. Others in our churches might not be ready to waste their time, that is why you musicians have to be here – to help them give up control and become immersed in Christ.” (p16)
If God gives us the desires of our hearts, could that mean that what makes us happy is because He decided it should make us happy? Instead of the desires of our hearts being “God answered my request for what I wanted” perhaps it means “God put this love of singing into me, and it isn’t selfish or meaningless, because God put it there”. When I get excited about a new style of music, or a fresh word presented in song, I can and should see if it is something I can bring to the congregation. I can and should stretch them and help them find joy in worship. I need to be okay with this, because I need to be okay with who God made me to be. So you can pray for me as I try to let down some walls. Thanks for listening.
Have you struggled with music being “a waste of time”. How has God spoken to you?
I have also struggled with music being a ‘waste of time’ but before I struggled with that I struggled with the fact that I’ve wasted time before I got to music (that’s pretty ironic). I’ve wasted time getting to playing music as a ‘waste of time’.
Mainly this was because I would see so many other people so experienced and more skillfully developed than I was. When I saw people who had been playing for so long and were so good at what they did because they started so long ago. I’d think to myself – it’s going to take me forever to get to where they are and I’m starting my forever (of experience) so late in life. How will I ever catch up! I figured that if you would ever be successful at music (or anything important), you had to have started music at the beginning of your life. Or you just had to be a genius of some sort.
A good example of this is shown here at school. Right when you become a freshman at CIU you jump right into your theory classes. You have no time to waste to try and get where you need to be to move on to the sophomore year of being a music major, then junior year, etc… Every class, every lesson, every practice time and every piece of time in general is precious and vital in being a good music major. However, if you come in and change your major your sophomore or junior year you have so much more to catch up on and in such little time!
I’m taking this and turning around in a broader picture. True I was a music major as a freshman but when I came in as a freshman I was not at all qualified to be a music major! This is where my concern began. To be a correct, good and confident music major I felt like you needed to be at a certain point before you could be considered to enter the program. And now that I’m finishing up my senior year I feel like I haven’t been able to even accomplish all that needed to be accomplished to have the privilege of saying I have graduated as a music major! Nevertheless, your thrown into the sea of a bazillion amazingly experienced and talented musicians.
After this is said and done one begins to wonder if they should even waste time with something that they’ve already wasted time getting to.
However, as I think about it I begin to wonder how something can be a ‘waste of time’ when you work so hard to get to do that thing that is considered a ‘waste of time’. Even if it is in a shorter amount of time than someone else. I think that music can be a waste of time but not because music itself is a waste of time but because the person who is doing the music is wasting time by not putting what is suppose to be put into it. If your heart’s desire is to sing a song and your desires are focused on God’s desire (to glorify Him) than how dare someone say that is a waste of time! Nothing is a waste of time if it’s ultimate goal is to glorify God.
I don’t know if anyone got anything out of this (or if it was a waste of time to read) but it has helped me to see that music can be considered a waste of time to some people BUT to others it means everything. And we have to watch out because music can also become a waste of time (as well as an obligation) if we don’t stay focused on why it is that we’re doing it. Music has been important to my relationship with God and that is above all the important thing that I have to remember. If I continue to put my heart into what I do because of the mere fact that it will draw me closer to God and hopefully others as well than it is in no way a ‘waste of time’. Nothing is a waste of time if it is done for the glory of God.
sorry this is so long!
So I’m one of those weird people who reads posts over and over again and I wanted to say something else that is addressing specifically what you wrote.
“I have many things that I really, really enjoy, including teaching and counseling. To me, those seem so much more important to the kingdom than my love of singing.”
First, I want to say that you can counsel, teach and do much more with music than just play and sing it (inside and outside of church). Don’t think that just because your doing music you can’t do anything else as well! Not only can you teach through music but also music opens up opportunities for you to build relationships with other people who might be interested in music.
Secondly, I wanted to say that I totally understand with what you said:
“… don’t really try, because if you fail, it will be a true failure of who you are .”
I am the very LAST person that should be saying this and in a sense I don’t want to say it because its convicting in my own heart and I’ve been struggling with it a long time. Nevertheless, if you don’t put your all into something, especially if it is for God, and you fail. It isn’t that it is less of a failure of who you are but it is more of a lack in confidence of who you know God has created you to be. And since your all wasn’t being put into what you were doing. Your all was also not put into who you were doing it for.
thanks Carla, that is a good word for me and quite convicting.
i hope i answer your question right amy. I have struggled with music being a waste of time becasue my motive was not for the beneift of other christians it was a selfish act of pleasing myself. I use to sing with a performer motive when i was younger… IT WAS ALL ABOUT ME….yes very very selfish!!! God showed me through a time of humility that in no way is worship about me. what have i done to bring glory to my name. That pierced my heart hard and it was a hard lesson to learn.
I appreciate the openness of your post regarding your conflicting interests. To answer your question, I have struggled with music being a “waste of time” in much the same way you have. So much so that I dropped out of being a music major at Michigan State University to be a missionary. I basically thought that the only good way (or at least the best way) to serve God was to be a missionary to an unreached people group.
When I was unable to continue to train with the mission, I had no plans for what to do next, and somehow I ended up at CIU – back in a music program. Since I have been in Columbia I have been learning (largely from the “members of the body” analogy) that my gifts in music are useful to the body – and that in some cases there is no one else who is able to do the job. So I have more and more been seeing music as valuable to the church. I am still drawn to biblical studies and teaching as a clear way to benefit the body, and I’m not sure how much God will use me in music in the future, but I am willing to learn.